With this being Sexual Assault Awareness month we received a request to re-post some of our old posts Here is the first one:
This is our first OP-ED piece as well as being a guest post from a survivor of female perpertated sexual violence. The material has been edited (with the approval of our guest poster) in minor ways to maintain the posters anonymity.
Flotsam and Jetsam
I do not know how old I was when the abuse started. I say abuse because so many people I have met over the years think that sexual abuse does not include all the other types of abuse. For me, the psychological abuse was the most damaging of all.
I do know I was about 7 years old when the sexual abuse started because this is when my mother and father divorced. My mother got custody of me and moved so my father could not find us. She would tell people that she had to move away because she was afraid of my father and what he might do if he found us. People believed her and often felt sympathy for her being a young single mother all alone. She seemed so pleasant and acted so distraught when she would talk about having to leave.
The truth is something different. My father was a good man and the only issue I ever had with him was when I was younger and hurting. I was angry that he did not somehow stop my mother from taking me away. As I grew older I learned that he had no choice even though the system was aware of allegations that my mother was abusive. But it was unthinkable for a father to raise a young girl back then.
Once my mother and I had moved and were alone she crossed the line into sexually abusing me. Just saying those words today, even after all these years still brings up a feeling a shame in me. Much of this shame is not a result of the sexual violence I endured at her hands. Much of it is because of the societal beliefs about motherhood and sexual violence in general. Of the way I was treated by various professionals, groups, and individuals over the years that supposedly were advocates for sexual assault victims. By society in general.
Once I grew older and was able to escape my mother I eventually sought help. I found time and time again a pattern of my seeking help and being shunned, dismissed, discounted, minimized, and more often than not, just being ignored and ostracized.
I tried joining a few abuse survivors’ forums on-line for a while but there was no one who could relate to what happened to me. All the forums were about male-female abuse, especially the ones about children. I also tried to attend support groups but over and over I got negative responses. All the women would be talking about being raped or sexually abused by a man and when they would come to me I would say that my mother raped me for years. Silence was the usual first reaction. No one wanted to hear about a mother that could do such a thing, let alone a mother who could do this to her own daughter. It seemed I was a minority case and victims of male offenders somehow deserved more attention.
All the rape crisis centers and groups I tried to go to seemed to operate based on certain ideologies and this caused problems for me over the years. None of them had any information about or experience with working with people who were victims of a female abuser. When the women in the group would talk about sexual violence I seemed to be a constant reminder that what they were discussing did not work for my case. I would ask if there was a male I could speak with and was usually told no and in one case was told that I really would not want to speak with a man about this anyway because they would not understand. Almost every example brought up applied to my mother not just men but if I would mention this I was usually given a look and told it was somehow different, or that it was somehow less damaging than if it was a man.
The fact that I would say anything negative about my mother at all upset a good number of people. Mom, Apple Pie, and the American Way. I tread on that sacred cow anytime I would say something negative about my mother. Often people would be angry at me and act like I was the abusive one because I would say something bad about my mother. Because no mother, no momma bear, would ever do such a thing as I described. I must be mistaken or just an ungrateful vindictive daughter. Of course this came along with the usual “she is your MOTHER so, no matter what she did, you need to forgive her because she is your mother!” No she is not. She is my egg donor.
Over the years I came to realize that I was the flotsam and jetsam of the gender wars. I was the uncomfortable reminder that there are a group of women (and men) who were being tossed aside and ignored simply because of the gender of our abuser. If I had told someone I was a victim of child abuse instead of child sexual abuse I would have found a little more in the way of help. If I would say that I was a victim of rape by my mother I found scorn and anger. “Women are incapable of rape” I was told. Or “99% of rapists are men” as if this somehow helped me. This only caused me more pain, more feeling like I was a freak, a bad and terrible person. How could I not be when the “experts” in sexual violence, the experts in helping women who had been raped acted like this. What about the validation of my experience and others like me?
Language and how just by saying something like rape compared to abuse changes everything. What happened to me was rape yet it is called child sexual abuse. I understand why there may be language needed for legal reasons, but that language should stay there. Saying what happened to me is not rape but child sexual abuse, sexual assault, molestation, or any number of things is too minimize and somehow lessen my experience. As if being raped is somehow worse than being sexually assaulted as a child. As if somehow my being sexually abused is somehow worse than someone who may have been abused in other ways. Over the years I have met people who have suffered a great deal of harm from a number of things. For me, the abuse of the language is something that still upsets me. People twisting it to fit their own ideologies and beliefs. It is all sexual violence and just because there may be “different” names, does not mean worse or better. It just means different. Every time I hear or see the “99% of rapists are men” quote I wonder if the person saying it or writing it understands how they are hurting people like me.
As the decades went by I started to see bits and pieces about experiences like mine. I also found that experiences like mine were being used by some as examples of “see, women do it too”. This just added to my decision to stay quiet. I wanted help, not bickering and finger pointing. I see things such as “Take Back the Night” marches and campaigns and ask myself who is taking back the night for me? The colleges around me do these every year and every year they have things asking only men to do certain things. For example one group asked men to sign a pledge against violence against women and agree to have a conversation with at least three other men about this issue. Nothing is ever mentioned about sexual abusers like my mother in any of their materials. All their trainings for K-12 and college students are the same. All of these type of things just pile up and say to me that while many places may say they are there for me, their actions show me the truth.
All of this just caused me to be silent about what happened for a long time. When people would ask about my family I would make up stories about why I did not go around them. My father was a good man and I reconnected with him after I was an adult. But the damage still went on because I often told people my parents were dead. I wanted to avoid the reactions I had encountered from the past. If someone were to meet my father that could lead to questions about my mother. So my relationship was long distance and superficial with my father until his death. This too brings me more guilt and shame.
My mother was violent, cruel, narcissistic and selfish. It took me over four decades to find a group and a professional who understood this and was willing to do what so many other groups would not. Listen to me, believe me, and most importantly not impose their gender beliefs onto me and my experience. Someone who understands why I cannot go to traditional sexual assault support groups. Someone who understands that what is important is not ideology, what is important is to listen to the victims and help them. Someone who understands that by focusing on male-offender female-victim we miss the other three, male – male, female – male, female – female. Why is it acceptable to do this? When you shine a spotlight on only one part of a room the rest of the room is darker.
I wanted to do this article for selfish reasons. I wanted to have a place to speak what has been inside me for many years. I wanted to use this as a step in my healing. I am tired of seeing the decades pass and very little being done for people like me. Tired of the gender wars. Maybe it is time to move on and grow. Maybe it is time to treat everyone fairly without preconceived notions. I do not want to be treated equally; I want to be treated fairly. For me, this means I want the sexual violence community to do the same. The best experience I have ever had was with a group of men and one other woman who had been sexually abused by their mothers or other close female relatives. There were no men’s rights, women’s rights, rape culture, or anything else other than how to help each individual in the room in a way that was best for them. All of us agreed we felt like we were flotsam and jetsam because of how society has minimized our experiences over the years because of the gender of our abusers.
I hope that my doing this can help others who have had similar experiences. There are a growing number of grass root organizations and professionals who can provide some help. Places such as Making Daughters Safe Again and this website were a miracle for me and literally helped to save my life. My hope is that eventually the major organizations will embrace us as well and give more than just a superficial recognition of us.
Monica
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Tags: gender war, psychological abuse, rape, sexual abuse, sexual assault awareness, sexual assault awareness month, sexual assault victims, sexual violence
